So I'm lazy

I thought this would be an epic way to express my thoughts consistently but turns out I'm updating it at best once a month.  Oh well, only the unexpected is expected in life.

Just had a mini-revelation...the breakup has still been bothering me.  It's been over a year.  Had good times and bad times.  Most people hate being wrong.  I'm no different.  Some people will never admit it and will argue to the death.  However, I'm more accepting and understanding trying to understand from the other person's perspective.  It's not always black and white so if you allow yourself to open up, you won't be as single-tracked.  I've learned from JFK that it's OK to be wrong and a responsible person would admit to it.  This brings me back to point...the breakup to me is signifying my 3 years with her is one big mistake.  Not saying the whole experience is a mistake as we learned about ourselves and being in a meaningful relationship...it's when I reflect on how much I loved her and at the time that was reciprocated, by breaking up for good, all that seemed foolish.  The worst part is that I don't have the opportunity to rebut.  She decided it for the both of us.  I'm sure a lot of thought went into it but eventually she did what she thought was the best for her...I had no choice.  Now every time I think about how happy I was, it's followed by one of 2 general emotions - regret and bitterness.  Regret that I let the chance let slip this relationship...I miss her dearly.  Bitter that it ended the way...she's happy with that POS and I'm miserable by myself.  Anyone who knows enough of the story knows it's fucked up.  Yet if I ever had the chance to be together with her, I don't know what I'll decide.  Maybe it's better I never have to make that decision...the heart and mind will never come into agreement.

Anyone else feel this way?

My biggest fear (quoted from Be Kind Rewind):

Jerry: How come you never got married Mr. Fletcher?
Elroy Fletcher: Well, the common story is, the girl that you's gon' ask you waited too long to ask. She went on to marry somebody else and then you can't find anybody to compare to her, so what happens?... You get old.

figuring things out

I've never been a big proponent of Facebook.  Sure, there are plenty of pros such as finding friends you've lost touch with, play some games to kill time, tell the world things only you'd care about like "waiting at the airport for my plane to board."  Facebook is the perfect tool to build your online social status which doesn't necessarily correlate to reality.

I still see my ex-girlfriend there.  We agreed to take each other off as friends so we can both move on.  Problem is, we still have a lot of mutual friends.  I'm perfectly fine with having mutual friends...it would be unfair for me to ask them to choose sides.  Besides, what if they choose her instead of me?  I rather not know the answer.

So I logged on today to reply to some messages and off to the right side of the window, I see her in a picture with a friend.  I can't but look at it for a few seconds...is this up to date?  Did they hang out recently?  I don't want to know...right?  No, I don't.  Or maybe yes, I want to know whether she's happy without me?  It doesn't matter anymore.  Certain things can't be fixed.  Really, it can't so what's the point?

Not only pictures serves as torturous reminders but how about old "pokes"?  What the fuck do I do with those??  I certainly can't poke back.  What do I with old pictures?  I can remove tags so I'm not associated anymore but the pictures are still in those albums.  I've decided I don't need to be so connected with my online social networking.  If people care about me, we'd hang out.  We're not going to make bullshit smalltalk on Facebook so we can keep some kind of superficial relationship that isn't going anywhere.  I'll log on when I receive a notification that I received a new message.  Aside from that, fuck you Facebook.  Thanks for keeping us so connected.

You know what's a bad trait that follows loyalty?  Is that you can't move you.  Doesn't matter how much you distract yourself, it comes back to being alone at night with a wandering mind.  More on that later.

It's been a year already.  Why do you still haunt me?  I thought I was doing pretty good.  What else am I supposed to do?

The word "whatever" was voted the most irritating word in the English language not once but one two consecutive years!  Why such animosity towards the word?  Probably the way people use it as a response.  When used as a one word answer, you're pretty much brushing off someone's question.  It can also be interpreted as being indecisive which might be less offensive but equally annoying.  "Whatever" is sometimes accompanied but rolling of the eyes which makes it doubly chaffing.

In the past year I've used "whatever" only a couple times and definitely with the intention of dismissing the other person's question.  I might have extended to "do whatever you want" but using it to the same effect.  I wanted the other person to know that things were not alright and as someone who is normally caring and choosy of his words, I purposely said it to raise red flags.  Unfortunately, I don't know if that message was conveyed.  Eh...whatever.